I have thought about this post for a very long time. Should I do it? Do I reveal myself? Is anyone going to care? Does anyone even read this? Well, no one probably cares all that much, or reads. So here it goes.
So this is what happened. I am deep into my final project for my Fashion Design class. Deep into it. I took a bike ride this morning to reflect a little bit, and it occurred to me that I haven't been completely honest. I am an artist. A creative person. I see the world through eyes that allow me to appreciate the beauty, the humor, the grotesque. This existed in me all along. But the only way I've been able to access it - to channel it - was to get sober.
I was always a creative person. But for years and years my priority had nothing to do with being creative. My priority was to not feel, and so I accessed whatever I needed to completely zone out. I wasn't participating in my life. I didn't want to, really. I wanted to die.
It wasn't until I got sober - and started accessing a spiritual solution - that things changed. All of a sudden, I can see the world. Like really see, really hear, really taste, really smell. And really love. How did I get this amazing life? I am a student. I get to learn about art. Participate. Really feel it. I get Friday's off to take bike rides and draw. I get to listen to music while I work. I get to zone out and feel a free high. I get to feel anger and sadness, and channel that through my work.
I used to be jealous of my friends that were artists. So jealous I hated them. Although I didn't know my fate, I think I was resentful because I wanted so bad what they had but didn't feel like I deserved it, or was worth it. So now I'm becoming the person that I didn't know I was capable of being. Sometimes I don't believe it. Sometimes I think this must be a dream. And most of the time I just thank God.